love eloise

Grass is Greener?

Note: The following post was submitted by a close friend of eloise. 

Sure I think about what it would be like to be single again. I’d be crazy not to. Would I go back if I could? Never. Although lately I’m thinking yes. My single girlfriends sometimes moan about not having a boyfriend, fiancé, husband... but what they don’t know is that us “involved” ladies sometimes whine about having one. So next time you are out, please have a guy buy you a drink. Make out with random 20-somethings in the men’s bathroom. Have fun. As for me, I will be blissfully standing in the corner, fiancé in hand, all the while living a single life vicariously through you...

In a world where staying true to one person for as long you both shall live is quickly going out of fashion, I am taking the plunge. My fiancé and I have not always been the loving couple we were in the first few days of being betrothed. In fact, most of our relationship is very reminiscent of the fights we have now, 3 months into wedding planning. I thought this was supposed to be a time where we learn what living happily ever after is like? Wrong. Or... worse yet... is this the true happily ever after?

Let’s rewind back a bit. I am sixteen, Justin is seventeen. I am sitting listening to what my new job as a lifeguard will entail when he walks in. Sure I had seen him before in high school, but wow. About a week later we had our first conversation. I was in a fight with my father over staying too late at my current boyfriend’s house - who also worked with us - and went on and on how ridiculous parents are. Justin sat there listening, sharing stories of his girlfriend. Damn, he had a girlfriend. I  had forgotten that I was also attached.

We continued through the summer, always flirting but always trying not to get caught. Summer ended, school began, and we both separately broke up with our significant others. Finally.

As any high school crush progresses, we talked on AIM throughout the school year. Another summer came and I decided he would be my “goal” of the summer, while he was told by my ex to stay away. I had broken my ex’s heart and he wasn’t going to let me be happy. So as any other high school girl would do, I set my ex up with a friend. Within two weeks my goal had been reached and Justin and I were “together”. By the end of the summer, just as he was about to leave for college, we decided to be exclusive. I knew the first time we kissed that I was going to marry him one day. Cheesy? Yes. But true nonetheless - just read my diary from that day.

Our relationship has had its fair share of arguments. I think any of my girlfriends can tell you that. But for two years now the arguments have subsided and we have been blissfully gliding along. Until now that is. Our fights seem to be at an all time high. But why? Why should we be in the middle of a screaming match over what hotel to host our wedding guests at? Or about who his best man is, or in his case best MEN? Does the guest list actually deserve an all out brawl? Nope, yet I couldn’t have dreamt that these arguments would happen. These stupid, stupid arguments. But here we are. In engagement hell as I have conveniently coined it.

However, I still stand strong that yes, you can live happily ever after. Just like in those famous Disney fairytales we all love. It just takes time. I realize I am the exception, not the rule - but doesn’t dreaming to be the exception keep us believing that true love is possible? And I do believe that all of our ups and downs have made us stronger. I know that we may revert back to our teenage fights, but through it all we are best friends. And I didn’t need “The Game” to get him. ...Or did I? Perhaps I used techniques in that book and didn’t even know it! Maybe I should take Eloise’s advice and read it. Hey, maybe it could spice up our love life and avert some of these petty engagement fights? Either way, I will forever be love’s cheerleader. Because even in our biggest fights I can still look him in the eyes and know that no matter what I love that man and that he will be there for me for as long as we both shall live.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the love believers out there, including you Eloise.

love, a 

Pretty Boys

While coming home on the train last night I waited a few minutes before turning my iPod on. It’s pretty rare to find me without my headphones in during my commute so I was absurdly aware of all the people and chatter around me. The couple in the seat across the aisle caught my attention when I realized the girl was reading aloud to her disturbingly attentive boyfriend. I was pretty annoyed that someone would be reading out loud while on a train full of people but I chalked it up to my usual post-work day grumpiness.

The first time I looked back he was staring at her as she read.

The second time I looked back his head was in her lap, which made his body form an awkward L shape since he was still sitting up but his torso was lying down. Did I mention his head was in her lap?

The third time I looked back he had moved so his head was on her shoulder and his eyes were shut with a look of peace on his face.

There was a moment where I was jealous of this woman and her obviously devoted boyfriend. But mostly I wanted to puke.

Lately I keep noticing a trend of men taking on the traditional female relationship characteristics. They’re needy. They’re affectionate in public. They want to spend time baking together instead of going out. (Seriously. I know multiple couples that do this.)

Maybe this makes me sound like a sexist jerk but when push comes to shove I don’t really want to go get a pedicure with my boyfriend. I’d rather keep that to a girl’s day type of event. With the immergence of the metro man and the emo boy, I find myself having trouble dealing with men who are overly sensitive and way more groomed than I am.

I thought about the couple on the train as I turned my iPod on and felt like a strong, independent woman who didn’t need to coddle or take care of anyone but herself. Plus, I had my musical boyfriends from all my favorite bands there to keep me company incase I got lonely on the ride home. And for now, that’s all I need.

Love, Eloise

Privacy Please

When I graduated high school I thought I would leave behind the petty drama and gossip. Then, after another four years worth in college, upon graduation day I thought I was finally free of all the he-said, she-said. And now, as I embark on my first grown up job I have found that I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

After weeks of flirting and way too many glasses of wine, one of my co-workers and I were entirely too touchy feely at a work related event. This sparked the rumor mill and I have found myself thrown into a messy situation full of lots of opinions and assumptions. I feel like I’m 14 and the whole school saw me holding hands with a boy.

Dear readers, is this going to always be the case? Will there ever be a day when I don’t have to answer to catty girls and nosy boys? Does anyone live in a place where people respect other people’s privacy? If so, can I get directions?

I keep waiting for the day where my every move won’t be judged, discussed or referenced in a facebook status.

Please send encouragement (and those directions).

love, eloise

Meet Market

As I spent last summer barhopping I was constantly berated by friends and family who said, “You’re not going to meet anyone decent at a bar.”

After meeting an exceptionally sleazy group of guys one night while I was out with a few friends, I conceded. They were right. The bar was not the best place to meet men.

“Try Home Depot,” one friend suggested. I waited until I had a household project to ventured to this male haven. I found a lot of great color swatches and also a lot of men…with their wives.

“I’ve heard bookstores are a good place,” another friend suggested. I camped out at the nearest bookstore. I caught up on my reading but no one caught my eye.

“What about coffee shops? Bring your laptop and play Carrie Bradshaw,” a co-worker urged. I waited it out over several cups of coffee. Left with a pretty good caffeine buzz despite the collection of scrawny nerds that had been perched at the nearby tables all night.

“You should join a club or something,” a bartender suggested one night as I drowned my sorrows over a vodka tonic. The next day I signed up to run a half-marathon with a local running club in hopes that there would be some cute runners during the training runs. The training started a few weeks ago. I’ll have you know that the prospects are dogs, but my legs and butt look awesome. I’m sticking with the running club.

“Sweetheart, you need to go to a Church social to meet someone nice,” a kind taxi-driver recommended late one night. I laughed. 

“Have you thought about online dating?” a colleague asked. I would rather die than join any online dating site. Why has that become cool all of a sudden? Plus, have you seen the lengthy questionnaire for eharmony.com? It would take at least 2 hours to fill that out.

“Apple Stores. Trust me,” one acquaintance proclaimed. I entered the store looking for a date. I left the store with a bag of unnecessary iPod accessories and anxiety over the next credit card statement.

Any other suggestions?

love eloise. 

The Pre-Date Google Search

He asked for my number and then called my phone to make sure that I had his as well. Then he told me his last name, “In case you want to Google me," he said. 

Now that you mention it, I probably will, I thought.

It’s no secret that the Internet has been a disruptive technology for the rules and regulations of the dating game but the act of Googling someone is a new one for me. I’ll Google to find almost anything, but will I Google to get a background check on the latest prospect? It never really comes to mind.

Until recently.

While skimming through websites, I recently came across a Q&A with etiquette experts. Someone wrote in asking if it was okay to admit to Googling someone on the first date. Before even reading the answer I immediately thought, “Is she crazy? I would never admit to that.”

But I was wrong. This etiquette expert wrote that everyone should expect that they’ve been Googled prior to going out and that it’s not tacky at all to bring up some of the information you find, if it’s positive. The suggestion was to say something along the lines of “I saw that you ran in a 5k recently. Are you a runner?”

After reading this, I Googled myself, or went narcissurfing as I’ve been informed is the correct term for when you Google yourself. Nothing conclusive showed up. A few random activities popped up, but nothing that would allow you to decipher anything meaningful.

I then Googled the guy who gave me his number. I actually found out a lot. I found a few pages with all of his college activities from a few years ago, old newspaper articles about his days as an athlete in high school, his LinkedIn page, some photos from some volunteering projects he did, and his public Facebook listing. It was a jackpot of information. I spent a solid 20 minutes sifting through everything.

Then I regretted it. Not because it was creepy (it was), but because it kind of took the fun out of getting to know this kid. What was I going to talk to him about when he called again and when we went out? I’m the type of person that only asks questions when I’m curious. What would I be curious about since his whole life was listed on a Google search? The usual getting-to-know-you questions were now off the table.  Google had now brought new complications on board. Searching for trivial information was easy, but it made the relationship search more involved.

What would I do with this newfound info? Would I take the advice of the etiquette experts and admit to Googling him and use the info I found as a conversation starter? Would I pretend I was clueless and forge ahead with the usual questions? Would I just abandon anything related to his searchable information and keep topics to those that were completely unrelated?

I would have much rather heard stories of his high school lacrosse days instead of seeing scores and game synopses from the local paper. Don’t Google people. It’s creepy no matter what you say. Okay, maybe just do a quick search to make sure that he’s not on America’s Most Wanted list, but beyond that, save the Q&A for the real date.

love eloise 

there is such a thing as everlasting love

On a recent evening out, I got into a debate with a male friend of mine. I said that I believed in true love but I didn't think that those initial can't-get-enough-of-you feelings lasted a lifetime. I said that the love evolved over time and that the excitement from the beginning eventually fades.

He adamantly said that I was wrong and that those feelings of infatuation from the beginning can last forever. After he called me an emotionally-void robot, we agreed to disagree.

Then I saw this.

...I hate it when I'm wrong.

love, eloise 

an unconventional love letter

Your aroma is like the sweet smell of chicken in a Chipotle Burrito

Your voice is like the beautiful sound of my partner in Call of Duty

Your skin is as smooth as the white Xbox controller

And your personality reminds me of weed, fun to be with, but only mildly addicting.

 

- Kevin, boyfriend of four years to my roommate … or a four year old?

 

Sometimes I wish all men were as bright as Alec Greven, 9 year old author of “How to Talk to Girls.” He even knows you should “Comb your hair and never wear sweats” … can he do a book tour? 

love, eloise

RE: Can Too Many Rules Ruin The Game?

Dear Eloise,

I think we’ve all been here. Caught in the cross between trying to play by the rules, make all the right choices and be “the girl” in the situation. I feel your pain as I too have been recently wondering if everything I’ve ever been taught about playing by the rules is even worth my time.

I’ve started seeing someone again after a checkered past and a year of not speaking. Despite a handful of attempts, we could never get ourselves on the same page at the same time. One or both of us would be dating someone else or one of us just wouldn’t be into the idea of getting involved again. After I kept finding myself thinking about him over the past month, I decided to send one, just one, innocent text to see if he was even willing to get back in touch with me. He was and the past two weeks have thrown me way off of my normal, stable path.

Caught up? Great. Now we can get to the reason I’m writing in response to your current issue.

This boy that I just told you about, well, he doesn’t play games. I’ll give you a minute to sit down and process this. (Let me know if you do cause I sure haven’t yet.) He’s also disturbingly straightforward and says kind, sweet things. He just puts everything right out on the table. Keep breathing, El. There’s more. He doesn’t even let me play my own perfected games. I tend to use a lot of sarcasm in the early stages of boy situations mainly because I am pretty sarcastic and I need to know he can handle it.

I also do it in order to protect myself and make sure he knows I-don’t-care-nope-not-at-all-couldn’t-care-less-about-you. That way, if and when he leaves the situation I won’t look like the pathetic girl left behind. Brilliant, right? He doesn’t think so and his newest approach to getting me to cut this out is by sincerely responding, “I like you so much” every time I accidentally/on purpose say something slightly mean or sarcastic in the name of self protection. If all of this wasn’t enough, he even calls me. Forget about texting entirely because this boy wants to be able to verbally say goodnight.

Because of all of this I’m trying my hardest to let go of all my preconceived and instilled rules about dating. For example, we both have awful schedules that don’t allow us to see each other outside of 10 pm to 10 am. Normally, I would never spend the night at a boy’s house when we hadn’t even been on a date yet but I shrugged off my rules and found out I like waking up with him. I also hold fast to the idea that if you fool around with a guy too soon then “they get what they want” and will no longer find a need to chase you and will therefore end things.

Upon explaining my chasing theory to this boy he retorted that he never chases solely to just chase and only chases things and people that he wants in his life. Furthermore he told me the more involved we become, which of course includes physically, the more he will want to be around me.

This sounded like a foreign language to my bitter, cynical ears. Honestly, I spend more time staring at him with my mouth hanging open trying to process what he’s saying than I do actually speaking.

However, I’m slowly starting to believe him - which is nauseating.

I think all women reach a point where they’re simply too afraid, confused, or angry to allow themselves to trust or be vulnerable. But isn’t there some saying about closing your eyes and just jumping so eventually you learn how to fly? Or maybe it’s don’t call the pot black while leading a horse to water? Something like that.

Eventually, one of these guys will turn into the right guy but none of them will if you’re keeping yourself guarded, unavailable or confined by rules. I say go for it. This guy isn’t in your life yet and if he doesn’t have any interest in becoming part of it then what are you losing? Forget about being coy or dropping hints because El, you know as well as I do, boys can be a little oblivious. And by a little I mean massively, incredibly oblivious and unaware.

Plus, boys are just as unsure sometimes. He might have noticed you and just doesn’t know what to do. Playing a whole bunch of games and sending mixed, girlish, over analytical and way too well thought out messages probably won’t help this but being straightforward could.

So make a move. Introduce yourself, strike up a conversation or just ask him if he wants to go out sometime. There are millions of boys in the world and if this one passes then another one will show up roughly five minutes later. Besides, it’d totally be his loss.

Maybe from now on the only rule worth following is doing what we feel is right and doing what makes us happy. So figure out what that is and make it happen.

Love,

K

Can Too Many Rules Ruin The Game?

Ever since I implemented the Do-Not-Call Rule a few weeks ago, I've been hung up on this whole idea of dating rules. I mean, we've all heard of the seemingly-absurd 90's tome The Rules, where women are instructed to be the most passive creatures on earth (oh sure, we're secretely being manipulative--just don't let them know that!). But there's also some truth to it. When we're aggressive, guys don't have to be. And then we get all confused because we still expect them to be. But are we really supposed to leave it all up to them?

The truth is, I'm wondering about all of this because I've got my eye on a guy who has no idea I exist. Whether it garners me creeper status or not, I know (and like) an awful lot about this guy--surfer, philosophy-major, foreign--and I'm pretty convinced he doesn't even know my name. 

So my gut says I need to make a move. And sure, I can do it in the traditionally girly way-- I can flirt or be suggestive or get his attention some other Rules way. But part of me just wants to make some kind of real move, some kind of obvious display of interest. It would cut through all the games and questions, put the issue right on the table. Then, of course, the power is in his court, but at least that opens up the topic for convesation, right? 

Well, I'm not so sure. Both arguments seem convincing to me, and I don't know whether they are feminisit, anti-feminist, or just practical. Beyond that, I just want to know what's effective. So I leave it you, readers, to help me out on this one. Do I follow The Rules, play secret games, and hoard the power in a relationship he doesn't know exists? Or should I be bold, even if it means risking being the vulnerable one? 

And, of course, one final question. If I am going to make some sweeping gesture of feminist dating, what on earth should it be?

Get back to me on this one--

love,

el

The Chuck Bass Theory

We hate to love him. We love to hate him.

He’s Chuck Bass.

And if you’re not tuning into Gossip Girl every week, you probably find him incredibly unattractive and are asking yourself, “What is the obsession about?”

When the Gossip Girl series first aired, I wasn’t interested. I was even less so when I kept hearing friends and co-workers gush about Chuck Bass. I knew which character was his but let’s be honest, he’s not Chace Crawford.

But then in a fit of boredom, I caught a few old episodes and I jumped on the Chuck Bass bandwagon. Objectively speaking, he’s not attractive, but what’s attractive is that he thinks he is and he has a reputation for being a seducer. Women love him. Men aspire to be him. He knows it. Everyone knows it. And for some reason that makes him desirable. 

After my mini-marathon of Gossip Girl reruns, I found myself under the Chuck Bass spell. He suddenly seemed so hottt.

“It’s all about perception, babe,” my friend Chris recently remarked. “It’s not so much about what a guy looks like – although don’t get me wrong, it helps – but it’s all about how guys perceive themselves and ultimately how other women perceive them. “

The Chuck Bass Theory claims that not-so-cute men can get oh-so-cute women. It’s all in their approach and the perceptions others hold of them. 

No one better exemplifies this than Chuck Bass. Sure, he is a player and a womanizer. But not all players and womanizers have the qualities of Chuck Bass. Few do, and it isn’t easy. It’s difficult to even pinpoint what distinguishes Chuck from the sleazy man whores. Bass has a certain element of – dare I say it – class? He doesn’t kiss and tell the way the other amateurs do. Plus, who else can pull off bow-ties and ascots and make them look cool?

Mostly because Bass thinks he’s irresistible, women think he truly is irresistible. The more women there are that think this, well, then more women think it.

After watching the show, you realize that there is something about him that makes even you want to be seduced by him.  Don’t kid yourself. Even the few of you who are reading this thinking that Chuck Bass would never enter into your fictional radar, I would bet all my money that when push came to shove, if you were in the back of a limo with him, you’d also succumb to the same temptations as Blair Waldorf.

Here’s the reality: You probably already have. It may not have been a limo and it may not have been the Chuck Bass of the CW, but I’m pretty sure we’ve all been seduced (knowingly and willingly, but we would never admit it) by a Chuck Bass of our own.

As if he would take “no” for an answer anyway.

xoxo, e.